Ask Me About My Privilege - Tarabytes E-zine #12

December 14, 2017

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Oh hey, it's December. WTF. HOW, has this year flown by so fast? Working on this e-zine over the past year has brought me a lot of clarity and helped me to put words to some feelings I didn't even know I had. I think working on this e-zine has done more for me than any therapy session ever has (I do prob need to go back to that soon though. Another thought for another day)! I started the e-zine in December of 2016, feeling lost and confused, knowing I had to use my voice in some way. I was full of passion but had no idea how to really put that passion to good use (#1). And now, a year later, though still lost and confused pretty often, I know that I want to be using my privilege toward ending my privilege (#11) and I have a much clearer picture of the type of content I want to be putting out into the world. And while I do think that I've been pursuing the goal of using my privilege to end privilege with the past year's content, I also feel sort of like I've been hiding in a way.

#11

I've spent a lot of time over the last year doing research on and reading about empathy, compassion, equity, equality, and privilege, in an effort to be as knowledgeable on those topics as possible. I have a tendency to always feel unprepared, regardless of how hard I work, and I don't give myself credit for the knowledge I possess. I also have a bit of social anxiety, so talking to strangers, especially in situations where I want to come across as an "authority", is difficult for me. I hoped that by stuffing as much knowledge on the topics into my head as possible, I'd be prepared to answer any and all questions or have the perfect "comeback" in any situation. But while I've been doing that, you know what I haven't been doing? Talking to people.

But let’s be real, that is NOT always easy, especially for an introvert like me! I'm often unsure of how to start the conversation, or what to say when I do get a conversation started. I'm awkward enough already in social situations without having to talk about “controversial" topics like privilege! Because of this, I think I've been using this e-zine and "research" as a way to avoiding really putting myself out there to more publicly use my privilege to end privilege. REAL TALK: I'm scared! I'm afraid of the reactions I'll receive. I'm afraid of not being prepared to answer every question as completely and responsibly as possible. Of inadvertently doing more harm than good. I worry about making others feel threatened, as I once felt when the concept of privilege was very new to me.

Something I've realized throughout this never-ending journey of learning about my privilege is the incredible power of sharing stories. My biggest "aha" moments around privilege have come from hearing about the experiences of those with less privilege than I have. This got me thinking...talking about myself is easy, it's the topic I know more than anything else about! I could easily answer any and all questions about my own story because IT'S MINE! Who knows it better than me? I could share my own stories! But how can I get people interested? How can I get others to ask?

Ask Me About My Privilege

In an effort to make things easier for myself (because that is my main goal, always) I designed these shirts as a way to "wear my privilege on my sleeve". Plus, people just love to read stuff on shirts (I know I do). I've had a few of these shirts laying around the house for a couple weeks now, and I've been too nervous to wear them out of the house. So this is the first step for me in coming out from behind the computer, so to speak!

We all exert a certain amount of influence, even if only on the few people closest to us. Though I have dreams of someday influencing many more people, I'm realizing more and more, that "someday" never comes: we touch lives NOW. I want to be a positive influence on those people who I am touching day to day. I want to use my privilege to end my privilege. In an effort to do this, I'm going to proudly wear my shirts, and be prepared to talk about them. I know my shit, now I need to talk to others about it! Please join me!

Order an Ask Me About My Privilege shirt HERE

My hope with these shirts is that I'll not only have the opportunity to talk to someone about my privilege but also that I'll feel inspired to work even harder toward ending privilege! And even though I've not even worn the shirts out yet, I'm already so inspired with tons ideas for new resources that I hope can be helpful in conjunction with the shirts or on their own. In fact, now that I have a bit more direction, I want to start to focus my energy on using the knowledge I've gained over the last year to compile and create resources that are empathetic, thoughtful and respectful. I want to create resources that make bringing up and talking about privilege be easier for everyone involved! I want this mostly for myself, but I know I can't be alone in wanting this! Because of this, going forward, I'm going to change things up a bit with Tarabytes! Rather than continuing with Tarabytes being a monthly e-zine, you'll now get an e-zine quarterly and little updates here and there when I have cool stuff to share or just whenever I feel like it (I PROMISE I won't spam you though)!

Thank you so much for reading this edition of Tarabytes, and for all your support over the past year! If you would like to support me further, click the link below and purchase one of the t-shirts I designed! Post a photo of yourself using the hashtag #askmeaboutmyprivilege. It would make me feel less alone knowing someone else was wearing one!

Use Your Privilege to End Your Privilege - Tarabytes E-zine 11th Edition

November 12, 2017

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Hi Friend!

I CANNOT believe it’s November! The year has been flying by. The past month for me, consisted of a friend’s bridal shower, lots of dark lipstick, our annual trip to Halloween Horror Nights, a fresh haircut & color, working toward an update on some brand details, our annual Halloween party with LOTS of party prep and a trip to Philadelphia! (If you’re following my instastory, you know about all of this already. If you’re not following my instastory, CLICK HERE).

It’s kind of unbelievable to me that I’ve been working on this e-zine for almost a year now. The first edition went out on December 1, 2016! It’s also kind of unbelievable to me how much my perspective has changed since then. I feel like I’ve gone from crying my feelings at you, to preaching to you, to trying to teach a little something, to just maybe trying to help someone. Working through creating this e-zine has taught me so much about myself and the process has lead me to better understand what I want to be putting out into the world. I think I have a better understanding of who I need to be, to be who I needed when I was younger (bringing it back to edition #2).

In prior editions (#7 & #8 specifically) I've talked about how privilege is literally woven into the “web" of our society (Halloween pun intended). I know I’ve been beating this point to death and you are probably thinking, “Ok Tara, I get it…but what can I DO about it?” Tear down the web of privilege!

USE YOUR PRIVILEGE TO END YOUR PRIVILEGE.

In other words, now that I understand what privilege is, I acknowledge that I have it and that I benefit from it (BIG TIME), I need to start using it to help others who don’t have it. I talked about my feelings of guilt & shame that came along with acceptance of my own white privilege in edition #6 of the e-zine. Realizing that people are oppressed by very virtue of your existence, whether it’s any fault of your own to begin with, is a painful experience. One thing I've found helpful in shifting feelings of guilt is by taking responsibility for my part in the problem and putting my energy toward finding solutions. I don’t need to be perfect, but I know better, so I should do better. That’s what this e-zine is for me ♥

Another thing I’ve come to understand is the importance of calling others in vs calling them out (Ngọc Loan Trần on Black Girl Dangerous). I’ve been working on ways to make calling in less painful for my introverted personality (again, INFJ here!). I’ve realized that an easier way for me to call others in, is to let them come to me. If you wear your privilege on your sleeve, others are very likely to ask questions and want to know what you’re up to. If this idea resonates with you, stay tuned for next month’s edition when I’ll be releasing something to help you wear your privilege on your sleeve literally!

Thanks for reading this edition of Tarabytes! I’ll be back next month with a big announcement (possibly more than one) and more ideas on how to use your privilege to end your privilege!

Love,

Tara A.

"Check Your Privilege" is a call for Self-Reflection - Tarabytes e-zine 10th Edition

October 9, 2017

The Warmth of Other Suns

The Awkward Thoughts of W. Kamau Bell

In the Country We Love

Born a Crime: Stories from a South African Childhood

The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian

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WARNING

**What follows will consist of sharing of feelings, talk about mental health, over-analyzation of said feelings and mental health, likely a good dose of venting and a personal pep-talk***

I have to admit that this edition is late partly because I have been putting off writing because things have felt like too much to process. I tend to need lots of time to process my feelings and thoughts (INFJ here!) before I feel ok sharing them. It’s been a difficult couple months. Lots of shit has happened in the world. Honestly, I feel like I’m getting off the hook a bit here because there are literally just TOO MANY topics to cover. Hurricanes. Earthquakes. White supremacists and Nazis. The NFL "to kneel or not to kneel” debate. ANOTHER MASS SHOOTING.

Lots of good and fun stuff has been happening in my life too, but sometimes the bad stuff just really seems to take the full view. I can get sucked into the political turmoil pretty easily and I tend to waste a lot of time caring too much about other people’s opinions. This might sound strange, but I’m a very sensitive person and stuff like this going on in the world drains my energy and can bring about little bouts of depression. When I’m feeling this way, I really only feel like staying in bed and become completely unproductive. I've been working hard on this e-zine but missed TWO (self-imposed) deadlines in the past two months. I announced my new FB group and then posted NOTHING to it. In my depressed mind, this is proof that I suck at life and can't-do anything right (cute huh?). It can become something of a cycle. Working on this e-zine or another project is usually what pulls me out of these feelings. I need to feel like I’m “contributing” to something in some way to feel happy. Working on this e-zine makes me feel like I’m contributing to the world in a way that I can be proud of <3. With that in mind, for this edition, I want to talk about the concept of “Checking Your Privilege”. Is it weird to preface a convo about “Checking Your Privilege” with talk of my own feelings and mental health? Hope not, cause that just happened. I’ll bring it all together later, promise!

If you’ve been following along with Tarabytes for a while you are likely familiar with the concept of privilege and the idea that we all have it in some form or another. If not, you can catch up at the START link below. I’ve been on a journey to understand my privilege for a few years now, and I have already processed a lot of the guilt I felt about it initially. But still when someone tells me I need to “check my privilege”, my first response is to get defensive. I know that especially when I first became aware of discussions of privilege, the phrase felt like a provocation. And even using it now in actual discussions feels divisive somehow. In reality, to “check your privilege” just means to reflect on the ways in which your privilege has shaped your perspective.

"Check Your Privilege” is a call for self-reflection!

“Check your privilege” is a request for you to examine how all the experiences in your life, good and bad, have shaped how you experience the world. I've talked before about how it’s so much easier to see the oppression we face and not the privilege that benefits us (as was my case in almost instantly seeing the male privilege that I do not have, and not as easily seeing the white privilege that I do have (#6). “Checking your privilege” requires honest self-reflection on how your perspective of the world is shaped by both the disadvantages and the advantages you’ve experienced in life. When someone uses this phrase they are likely asking you to question your perspective, because the opportunities you have experienced may be blinding you to another perspective. Really, checking your privilege is about shifting your perspective (are we noticing an overall theme to the e-zine? Good!).

http://www.tarabledesigns.com/tarabytes/2016/12/1/d1xez16ynpbtgx6r1gj3fezhvpne6s

http://www.tarabledesigns.com/tarabytes/2017/5/3/if-you-dont-have-to-think-about-it-its-a-privilege-tarabytes-e-zine-6th-edition

I’ve talked before about the different types of privilege we can experience (for more info on each of the different types of privilege, click the PRIVILEGE link below for my roundup of privilege resources), and below are the most glaring examples:

Male, Straight, White, Cis, Able-bodied, Wealth

"Checking your privilege" means really taking a look at this list and thinking about ways in which you might experience either privilege or oppression in your life. I check a lot of boxes on this list, which indicates that I experience a significant amount of privilege.

http://www.tarabledesigns.com/tarabytes/2017/5/3/if-you-dont-have-to-think-about-it-its-a-privilege-tarabytes-e-zine-6th-edition

When I’m asked to “check my privilege”, I try to think about how a particular privilege of mine might be affecting my ability to see the full picture of a given situation. I try to look at all the ways that privilege has affected my life, and reverse engineer my experience to better understand the experience of someone without that privilege. This self-reflection allows me to go into the world with a more complete and compassionate worldview.

Self-reflection affects my mental health as well (told you!). I often close off when I’m in the midst of a “look in the mirror” because this crap is not easy, whether I’m reflecting on privilege, mental health or any other issue in life. Things get even more complicated when acknowledging that talking about my mental health is in itself a privilege! While it’s usually not easy during the journey, self-reflection is a necessary and productive part of life. Only after acknowledging the crap in our lives can we then go about cleaning it up.

I know that I live and participate in a system of privilege (#9) that I cannot control, but I will do what I can to work against it. In edition #8 I talk about how “it’s a privilege to be blind to our own privilege”. Oppressed people feel the effects of privilege every day, while those who benefit from privilege are very often completely unaware of the very privilege that benefits them. It’s the least I can do to try to not have to be asked to "check my privilege”, so because of that, I’m constantly trying to "check it" every day on my own.

How I check my privilege daily:

* This is a suggestion I give in pretty much every edition of Tarabytes but…I make it a point to listen to and read about the experiences of the oppressed, directly from them. I will leave a few book/article suggestions to start you off at the end of this edition.

* I try to point out privilege every time I see it. I’m not saying I make a huge deal and start lecturing every time I see an example of privilege (I’d literally be lecturing all day). But I do make a note of it to myself. Then when I have a conversation with someone I have real-world examples to pull from. Trust me, once you start noticing it, you’ll see examples of privilege EVERYWHERE.

* Along the same lines, I try to point out to other privileged people when I am in a privileged position. It’s often easier for us to see privilege in others at first rather than ourselves, so if I point out my experience, other privileged people are more likely to see the similarities in our experiences and come closer to understanding their own privilege

* I try to remember to practice gratitude, especially helpful when I’m feeling frustrated. Acknowledge and be grateful for the privilege that I have. While in the long run, I want everyone to be on an equal playing field in every aspect, in the meantime, at least I have the ability to use my privilege for good. Toward ending privilege.

I make mistakes. The nature of privilege is to be invisible, so it’s pretty much a guarantee that I’ll miss it sometimes. And of course, it’s a learning process. But it’s worth it to keep pushing forward toward an equitable society.

http://www.tarabledesigns.com/tarabytes/2017/8/3/the-whole-damn-system-is-wrong-tarabytes-e-zine-9th-edition

http://www.tarabledesigns.com/tarabytes/2017/7/5/privilege-blinds-us-to-our-own-privilege-tarabytes-e-zine-8th-edition

Before I go, I want to quickly mention the Facebook group I started, in case you missed last month’s announcement. The Tarabytes Discussion Group (name pending!) is a new place to give myself a bit more privacy, but also still have the quick sharing and discussion functions of FB. I want to share things that make me feel a certain way about my privilege, good or bad. Things that resonate. Resources that I’ve found helpful. And just work through stuff in a more “real-time" kind of way. If you realize that you are privileged in certain ways, and are willing to be a witness to someone else working through their privilege, I really hope you will join me in the group! I hope that we can discuss and unpack our privilege together, little by little, but discussion is NOT a requirement of this group in any way. I’m not an authority on privilege, but watching others work through their shit has helped me work through some of mine. So that’s what I’m really hoping to do with this FB page. Join the group HERE.

HERE

https://www.facebook.com/groups/1930772910519501/

Thank you for reading the 10th edition of Tarabytes and thank you for all your support!

ANNOUNCEMENT! Tarabytes Facebook Group

September 18, 2017

The Whole Damn System is Wrong! - Tarabytes E-Zine 9th Edition

August 3, 2017

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Hey there!

Yay, you made it! Welcome to the 9th edition of Tarabytes. How have you been this past month? I’ve been feeling positive about new projects and that always makes me start getting creative! This month I let the creative juices flow and designed some cards as a gift for my brother-in-law. He LOVED THEM!

This was also a great month for Zagg as he has met his new puppy BFF! I mentioned my friend’s corgi puppy, Apollo, a few editions back, but he got big enough to have a play date with Zagg this month. It was puppy love at first sight! Both pups are still working on their manners with other dogs so they are practicing on each other and loving it. And Craig & I and Apollo’s parents are loving watching them too!

I also started a new hobby this month that I’ve been wanting to try for a few years now…raising butterflies! My back porch legit looks like a jungle right now. Below is a collage of a few of my favorite images from the experience so far, but I’ve been sharing about it non-stop on my insta story, so follow me on Instagram @TarableDesigns to keep up with my adventures in butterfly momming.

Now, on with the rest of the e-zine! Last month I talked about how it’s inherent to the concept of privilege that it be hard to see and that those with the most privilege are the least likely to see that privilege (link below to read that!). I talked about how privilege is relative and that being a contributing factor to this. This month I want to talk about another reason it can be so hard for those with privilege to see that they have it.

Privilege is not just individual actions that oppress. Privilege is systemic, meaning it is built into our social systems. Social systems come in many shapes and sizes. A social system could be a family, a workplace, a society, etc. (This is another example of how privilege is relative (#8). Your privileged status changes as you move through different social systems. I likely should have covered this topic first. Oh well! Go back and read that one after this! It will make more sense now. Anyway). Social systems aren't just people, but also all kinds of different elements, ideas, values, morals, and traditions, related with one another in a way that makes us think of them as a group. If you’ve been following along with Tarabytes, you’ll notice this is another example of how our lives are connected to, and dependent on, each other. Read Tarabytes #3 after this edition to go deeper on this (link below)!

In a system of privilege, one category of people, usually, the majority group, is seen as the “standard”. Being designated the standard lends more credibility to their views than to others. The entire social group starts to see the dominant group, and their ideas, values, morals, and traditions, as the most “normal” or “human”. All others outside the “dominant” group are seen as just that, “other”. Those in the dominant group are seen as individuals while all others are grouped together by category. Those in the dominant group often have no idea of the privilege that being in that group carries, and can sometimes not recognize that they are in a “category" at all. As in the case of cisgender people (that I mentioned last month, link above) not having to “name” themselves, where transgender people do (please read edition #8 if you’re not sure what cisgender means :)). When a category of people is seen as standard, they are easily seen as superior by the entire group (why else would they be the standard, right?). Because of the perceived superiority, the dominant group takes hold of most of the available positions of power. And those who have the power make the rules. The problem lies in the fact that the rules will reflect the problems and biases of those in power, and likely not those who are considered “other”. If we think about the transgender community again, we can see the way that this manifests in bans and laws that make life harder for trans people or even make them less safe, based on a fundamental misunderstanding of their lives. Whether intentional or not, it is hard to govern with the best interests of all groups taken into account if not all groups get to have a say in the ways things are governed. The result is patterns of unearned advantage available to some simply because they are socially identified in a “dominant” group. To quote one of my favorite feminist ladies, Lisa Simpson, “The whole damn system is wrong!”

A quick example of a system of privilege within my own family is that traditionally the father/grandfather is the “head" of the family. This has manifested in lots of different ways over the years, some big, some smaller. One small way it showed up was that the men in my family were always given the driving and front seat position when we rode in the car together. As a kid, I thought little of it. We were respecting our elders. And in most cases, Dad and Granddaddy genuinely needed it for health and comfort reasons. Then, the very first time I rode in the car with my parents with my, at the time, newish husband Craig, my Mom offered the front seat to him. My "feminist-still-figuring-this-shit-out” bell went crazy! There was zero reason he needed the front seat! I know my Mom meant absolutely NOTHING by it, she was just trying to be nice to Craig. But me, being the brat that I can sometimes be, demanded that I get the front seat, just to make a point. Attitude AF.

I usually only pull that kind of stuff with my own family, but every time I do it, I feel a little braver and a little closer to calling out systems of privilege everywhere I see them. It's not lost on me that this is a ridiculously tiny example of a system of privilege, especially considering the privileged status of my family, but I think if you start becoming aware of the little ways privilege affects your life, it’s easier to see where privilege is affecting things in significant ways. But let’s be real, there’s no reason for me to be a turd about it. And I can def be a turd when I’m passionate about something. I'm practicing staying calm and trying to get my point across with love instead of anger (or extreeeeeeme attitude). That’s actually part of what this e-zine is all about. Unfortunately, I usually practice on my family. Sorry family. I love you all.

As an individual, I can’t avoid participating in established systems of privilege, but as a privileged person, I feel responsible to make changes where possible. So what can we do?

As privileged people, we can recognize where we hold privilege, and then listen to the stories, experiences, values, morals, traditions, etc. of those over whom we hold that privilege. In short, we can practice empathy (I’m starting to feel like this is the answer to everything)! Listening to the needs and wants of the oppressed should be priority number one when coming up with solutions to oppression. They would know best what they need after all! And we can strive for equity, vs equality, in those solutions. Read Tarabytes edition #4 to go deeper on the topic of my preference for equity or equality (link below).

Another way to make change is to create new systems that don’t rely on privilege where you have the opportunity. I try to keep the concept of privilege in mind within my own family and friend units. And especially in my small business, where I have ALL the control, I take steps to make sure that my business practices are in line with my values. I try to take my own privilege into account at every step. I don’t need to be sorry for it, but I do need to be aware of it and think about how it affects the decisions that I make in my business and life. This is a topic I’d actually love to dig into further at some point: How to Run a Business While Keeping your Privilege in Mind. Let me know if that’s something you’d be interested in hearing me talk about! Reply to this email to let me know.

Thanks for reading this month’s edition of Tarabytes! Your support of me and this project means the absolute world to me! If you're looking for more ways to support me, consider doing one or more of the following things:

* Reply to this email with your thoughts, ideas or questions regarding privilege or any other topic I’ve cover in this e-zine

* Share this email with a friend

* Buy my Art

* Request a custom piece of art. Email me at tara@tarabledesigns.com to get started.

Thanks again, and see you next month!

Tara A.

Privilege Blinds Us to Our Own Privilege - Tarabytes E-Zine 8th Edition

July 5, 2017

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Hello! Welcome to Tarabytes, my monthly e-zine/digital diary!

So how was your month? Mine has been more productive than they’ve been in a while! I’ve actually felt like pursuing projects that I’ve had in mind, and that feels super good! I attribute a lot of this to the anti-anxiety meds I started taking in January. Just this morning Craig asked me, “How are you feeling? Like, how are you really feeling?”. The truth is, I’ve been feeling about as good as I’ve ever felt. It’s almost embarrassing for me to say it, but the meds are helping SO MUCH. Prior to taking them, I always felt like I had SO many feelings, too many, just ready to burst out of me at any moment. Now, all the same feelings are still there, but I feel like I have the space in my head to deal with them, rather than let them overwhelm me.

In talking with Craig, I said something to him like “I definitely think the meds are working” and he said, “They are helping, but you are the one working”. Damn, I love that guy.

Now, on with the e-zine!

First, I have a question for you. Last month, I talked about how everyone is a little bit privileged (link below) because privilege and oppression are a spectrum and we ALL fall somewhere on that spectrum. When I started out by saying that you were privileged, did you agree with me? Did it take a minute for you to accept? Or did you disagree with me outright? It’s not easy to see our own privilege! In fact, it’s easier to see oppression than privilege just in general. The effects of oppression are usually more acutely seen and felt. It is inherent to the concept of privilege that it be hard to see. If it’s being done “right” those who benefit the most are the most unaware of their privilege. When you are part of a “dominant”, or privileged, group you don’t have to name yourself. Think about the way we talk about trans people. The term cisgender, or cis, has been used in social justice circles for a while but is far from mainstream use. Not sure what cisgender means? If you aren’t sure, then it’s likely you are cis! Cisgender is the opposite of transgender, meaning your sense of personal identity matches the sex you were assigned at birth. Cis is the “norm”. I’m cis, and I don’t have to think about a lot of things that trans people have to think about. My life is easier in certain ways, just by virtue of not being trans. Because I’m not trans, and I’m not close with anyone who is, I had to make a significant effort to seek out information about trans people and their experiences. Before this, I had no idea the ways in which I am privileged to be cisgender. I have the privilege of not even being aware of the fact that I have privilege.

It’s a privilege to be blind to our own privilege.

To further complicate things, privilege is relative. Every single one of us has some privilege when compared to other people and your place of privilege can change depending on what peer group you are surrounded by. What do I mean by relative? Considered in relation to something else. If you are inside a moving car, in relation to the car, you are stationary. However, in relation to a person standing on the street, you are in motion. In this same way, everything you experience is shaped by your frame of reference or sort of "where you are" in relation to it.

Because your perspective is obviously shaped by your experiences, it makes sense that if you’ve experienced privilege (or oppression) in your life, that would shape your perspective as well. So your perspective becomes shaped by the advantages (or disadvantages) you experience in life. If you’re lucky enough to never have experienced something like police brutality then it might be hard to believe those who say they experience it. The mindset, "I’ve never experienced this, and I don’t know anyone who has, so it must not really be a problem”, is the epitome of privilege. Realizing that your experience is not universal is the first step to understanding your own privilege.

A relational view of privilege allows us to see that the conditions of our lives are connected to and made possible by the condition of other people’s lives. This boosts empathy! Yay! Back to that whole empathy thing from edition #3 (link below)! Empathy is the "social glue” that helps us gain information to understand others’ emotions and create deeper connections.

In the US the mentality of “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” is prevalent, but what

if you don’t have boots? Or even feet? It’s easy to assume that your experience is the norm, and take for granted that the situations of others are the same. I read 'Al Franken, Giant of the Senate’ this month (link below) and here’s what he has to say in regards to the concept of “bootstraps":

“I felt like the luckiest kid in the world—and that’s because I was. Then I met Franni, and she didn’t grow up that way. She grew up poor because her dad died when she was 18 months old. Her mom was 29 years old with five kids and a high-school education. They were hungry; they had the heat turned off and the phone turned off. But they made it. And they made it because of Social Security survivors’ benefits. They made it because of Pell Grants and scholarships. They made it because of the GI Bill. My mother-in-law took out a GI Bill loan [as the widow of a veteran] and went to college and had all of her loans forgiven because she taught Title I kids. That’s the story: Every one of her kids made it into the middle class. They tell you to pull yourself up by the bootstraps? But first, you have to have the boots. And the government gave them the boots.”

Unfortunately, with the direction that our government is going, there will be fewer and fewer boots to go around. When you realize the relational nature of privilege, and that we are all privileged in relation to someone else, I think empathy comes easier. Empathy encourages connections between those who don’t share the same experiences, and I like I talked about in edition #3, those connections are the beginnings of what I think is the answer to creating a more unified and equitable society for us all.

And that’s it for this edition of Tarabytes! Thank you so much for following along with me over the past 8 months.

AND PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE RESPOND TO THIS EMAIL! I want to hear all your thoughts on privilege and empathy and everything in between! Until next month…

Tara A.

Everyone's a Little Bit Privileged: Tarabytes E-Zine 7th Edition

June 6, 2017

Somebody missed their snuggle time while Mommy & Daddy were out of town...it was Me!

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Hey, E-zine Reader!

Welcome to the 7th Edition of Tarabytes, my e-zine/online diary. For me, the past month consisted of softball, fun home renovations, roof-top yoga, celebrating 8 years of marriage and a vacation! Craig and I traveled to Sarasota for a long weekend to celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary on May 22. We stayed at the Ritz, got massages, ate delicious food and drank tropical drinks, and I got a sparkly pink mani/pedi! We also visited the Mote Marine Aquarium and the Ringling Museums, which are two of our favorite types of places to visit when we travel. I shared a few photos from the trip on insta (link below) but, I haven’t even looked at what Craig took on his camera yet! To be continued…

Now, on to the real topic for this month: PRIVILEGE.

You’re thinking: "Wait. Am I having deja vu? Or are you talking about privilege AGAIN?"

You are not, and yes, I am.

Last month I talked a little about the sense of duty I feel toward sharing the knowledge about privilege I’ve gained over the past few years.

“Those who have the privilege to know have the duty to act”. - Albert Einstein

I’ve come to realize ("how", is another e-zine entirely!) that I want the common thread of all my work to be focused on gently leading privileged folks toward an understanding of that privilege. Being that this e-zine is like my online diary, I think that this is the perfect place for me to begin exploring that possibility! The concept of privilege will be showing up often here. You’ve been warned :)

So, privilege. Do you have it? In short, yes.

Ok, thanks for reading Tarabytes this month!…just kidding. But really though, all of us, even the very worst off among us, has some social identity that benefits by taking advantage of another group. We’re all privileged in some way or another.

Everyone’s a little bit privileged.

Privilege and oppression are really like two ends of a spectrum, with empowerment at one end and disempowerment at the other. Where you fall on the spectrum is determined by each of your different social identities, moving you between the two ends of the spectrum based on each privilege or oppression you experience. Privileges and oppressions do not negate each other. They mesh and morph, turning us into the complicated, nuanced people that we are.

Below is a link to a cool video that I think illustrates the concept of privilege really well!

We’re all somewhere on the spectrum of privilege and to me, realizing this was a bit of a relief. Like I talked about last month, learning about your own privilege is uncomfortable, and that was no exception for me. After dealing with my initial feelings of defensiveness, I felt really guilty about the myriad privileges I experience in my life. I understand now that this really makes no sense, considering I never asked for those privileges or really had anything to do with the fact that I have them, but none the less, I suddenly realized how much I benefit at others’ expense in a lot of ways, and that doesn’t feel very good.

When I realized that privilege and oppression are a spectrum, and that every single human being falls somewhere on it, I realized that we are all responsible, in some way or another, for changing that. For me, selfishly, that took a bit of pressure off! At least I wasn’t alone in being an oppressor! Yay? Little wins, people.

I’m not sure I believe it’s possible to ever eradicate privilege and reach complete equity, but we can absolutely work toward bringing the two ends of the spectrum closer together. The smaller the gap between the worst off among us and best off, the better off we ALL are as a society. Each time we take steps to create little equities, we help to lessen the space between those most disadvantaged and least. For ideas to start creating little equities in your daily life, please read Tarabytes E-Zine #5 (link below, it’s a good one, I promise!)

I think sometimes you need those "little wins" to keep you motivated, especially in the beginning stages of becoming aware of your privilege. It’s a life-long process. I’m more than fine with baby steps as long as I’m making progress. Every time I make a little progress for myself, I’m better equipped to help someone else.

Thank you so much for reading this month’s edition of Tarabytes, for real this time! 😃 It means the freaking world to me that you would take the time! I’d really love to hear from you, whether it be questions about privilege, thoughts about this edition of the e-zine, suggestions for what I should write about next or anything else you’d like to share with me. Just reply to this email!

Thank you again and happy June!

Tara A.

If You Don't Have to Think About it, it's a PRIVILEGE - Tarabytes E-Zine 6th Edition

May 3, 2017

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Hey, Friend!

Welcome to the May edition of Tarabytes! I really can’t believe that I’ve been working on this e-zine for 6 months now. I’ve been putting my all into it, and I so appreciate the feedback and support I've received from many of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

For me, the month of April was filled with food, friends, wine, yoga, and puppies! How can it get any better, really?

* We've been trying out several new food subscription services, and they’ve really gotten me into the mood to cook, which is totally new for me.

* UCF Celebrates the Arts was back again this year at the Dr. Philips Center (link below)! Craig and I attended several of the shows (FOR FREEEEEEE), including OKLAHOMA! Fun fact, I was a “chorus girl” in my high school’s production of OKLAHOMA! in 2005. Link below to a #FBF! Ah, memories.

* Yoga Wednesday has become my much-needed sweat time, followed by even more needed friend time! AND WINE.

* I was fortunate enough to meet the new puppy of a dear friend. His name is Apollo and he is JUST FREAKING PRECIOUS (picture for proof/bragging rights). And as I write this, I’m currently puppy-sitting my family dog/brother pup, Bentley, so my parents could attend a Jeep event with their friends. This has been the best, most puppy filled week ever!

Ok. So, let’s get into what I really want to talk about this month (and kinda of always).

Last month I discussed equity and how it’s a prerequisite for equality. You can read the whole thing at the link below, but as a quick refresher, equity focuses on fairness and takes into account the unique needs of different people. I suggest that equity is a more immediate solution to injustice and that equality should be the longer term goal.

This month I want to talk about PRIVILEGE. Oooh...touchy, right? Well, honestly, it really doesn’t have to be. Privilege is the opposite of oppression and in the context of social inequality, refers to "unearned benefits” given to people who fit into specific social groups.

But at its core, privilege is what everyone would (and should!) experience if we actually had complete equity.

If some of this seems familiar, it’s because the bulk of this information has been available on my website since it launched, back in October. I wanted to repurpose that information because I received really encouraging feedback and feel that it’s information that can’t be shared too much! I also am sharing about privilege again because this is something I feel super passionate about. I’ll get into it a bit later in this edition of the e-zine, but let’s just say I feel an extreme sense of duty to share what I’ve come to learn about my privileges with those over whom I might have some influence.

So let’s get this out of the way right now: having privilege does not mean you are a bad person. Having it does not mean that you do not work hard or don’t deserve the things you’ve earned. It simply means that, based on systems you have no control over, you are the receiver of certain benefits that others are not. Some have had to be better people and work harder, just to meet the same standard. Privilege is systemic and is embedded into our social patterns. We can talk about the reasons why and how certain types of privilege were instituted, but the bottom line is that where privilege exists, equity does not.

I can relate to the guilty and/or defensive feelings that the idea of privilege might elicit, especially at first. But as with most problems in life, we can’t deal with them until we define them. Pointing out how you may be privileged in certain ways is not meant as an insult, it’s meant to open your eyes to new perspectives. As an example, most of us have the internet, right (not sure how you’d be reading this otherwise)? In many countries, there is not the same standard of a strong, stable, relatively inexpensive internet connection. Something we rarely even think about. Basically,

if you don’t have to think about it, its a privilege.

When we become aware of the privileges in our own lives, we can be more compassionate to other people’s situations (more on compassion in Edition #4, link below). I am passionate about this! I think most people are generally reasonable, logical and caring, which is why I think that if the nuances of privilege were discussed more openly, the true work, ending oppression, could be the focus! Talking about our own privileges is an uncomfortable thing (*foreshadowing!). But the discomfort reminds us of the unfairness and moves us to try to stop it.

There are lots of types of privilege, but one of the easiest to understand in my opinion is able-bodied privilege. If you are free from disabilities, you have able-bodied privilege. The privilege of being an able-bodied person is built into society. It’s the norm. Disabled bodies are an afterthought. Think about how stores, restaurants, and most homes, are designed with the able-bodied person’s body in mind. Often, things need to be modified or specially designed for people with disabilities. For someone with a disability, it could be worrisome to visit unfamiliar places, because they might not be sure if the place can accommodate their disability. These are just some of the things that if you don’t have a disability, or aren’t close with someone who does, you’ve probably never thought about. You have the privilege of not having to worry about it. Again with the whole "not having to think about it" thing.

I talked above about how privilege is actually what everyone would experience if we had true equity in society. Think about how differently a pregnancy might affect the career of a man versus a woman. For obvious reasons, women have to take significant time off, where men have the choice to take the time or not. A woman’s career could be jeopardized by this fact, while this is not the case for men. The male experience is the “default” in this case. Women are expected to conform their experience based solely on their biology, even though men are just as responsible for pregnancies as women. Males have the privilege of not worrying about how a pregnancy, planned or otherwise, might interfere with their careers. In an equitable situation, all parents have the privilege of taking the appropriate amount of time to recover and bond with their children and are supported equally in their quest for work and family balance.

My first introduction to the term “privilege” was in 2009, in an online Intro to Women’s Studies course at the University of Central Florida. The professor assigned the article “White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack” by Patty McIntosh (links at the end of the e-zine). This was my first true foray into the idea that certain experiences I take for granted are not universal experiences.

I grew up in a small rural town in Central Florida and lived a pretty sheltered life. We went to church every Sunday and hung out with my extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) weekly. My parents, while they weren’t the strictest, definitely kept tabs on what I was doing most of the time. My closest group of friends was heavily involved in the baptist church, so my parents didn’t really need to worry. I was also a cute, white girl, with a middle-class lifestyle, so I didn’t have much to worry about either. I was happy (enough), got good (enough) grades and didn’t really get into trouble.

Fast forward to 2009. I’m reading the McIntosh article and something clicks. It’s a tiny click, but it’s the very first in a series of “clicks” that has brought me to huge realizations that have opened my heart and mind.

Admittedly, while reading through the white privilege list in the article, there were points that made me feel uncomfortable, some that I didn’t fully understand, and some that I flat out disagreed with. But there were also so many points where I thought to myself, “This makes sense, why has no one said anything about this before?”. Particularly #26 "I can choose blemish cover or bandages in “flesh” color and have them more or less match my skin”. Something so simple, yet so BLATANTLY unfair. This stuck with me (pun intended, obviously).

Since then, I’ve been able to expand my knowledge about privilege. I wound up minoring in Women’s Studies after that first class and became very interested in feminism, which often focuses its attention on male privilege. Because I am female, it was pretty easy for me to see and relate to most examples of male privilege. What was harder was facing my own privilege, particularly my white privilege.

So, remember how I mentioned that some of those points from the white privilege list made me feel uncomfortable? Ya. Realizing you’ve been, at best, party to oppression, and at worst, an oppressor, is not really the most comfortable feeling. At first, I felt defensive. I wanted to explain myself. I’m not that kind of white person! For a long time, I pushed the idea away, because it felt bad. But once you’ve become even a little bit aware of the ways your privilege can affect others, it’s hard to forget. This is when I first started realizing just how incredibly important it is to become aware of and listen to, the voices of those whose experiences are different than mine. This seems so ridiculously obvious to me now. But, in the words of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, “privilege blinds” (link at the end of the e-zine). While seeking out information and hearing more and more new perspectives, I realized that, well, this just isn’t about me. This isn’t about my comfort. I should absolutely be uncomfortable with oppression! It’s taken me a long time, years even, to understand that having privilege does not make me a bad person. I did not ask for my privilege, and I did not set up the power systems that keep it in place. What matters is what I choose to do with the privilege I’ve been given.

Because I've had the privilege (ahem) of being able to come to these realizations, I feel obligated to share them. And because of some of the feelings I've experienced in learning about and dealing with my own privilege, I feel strong empathy for those who may not be “there” yet. Waking up to my own privilege was and still is hard, and I want to try to make it easier for others. I’ve witnessed so much misunderstanding around the concept of privilege, and remember my own misunderstanding. I also see how much this misunderstanding is dividing us as a country and as individuals. Those who "get it" are feeling frustrated. Those who don’t are feeling judged or accused. I want to help bridge that gap in whatever small way I can, including gently leading those I might influence to make sense of their privilege. I understand that I can only lead those with whom I share privilege, not those over whom I hold privilege. I also understand the need to pay close attention to the voices of marginalized people when working through how to best focus my talents toward eradicating oppression. The more I listen and learn, the better equipped I am to help others understand. My intent is to put my privilege to use toward ending privilege. More on that in future editions…

In the meantime, below is a list of my favorite resources on privilege. There is some really good stuff in there. I especially recommend the Louis CK video!

Privilege 101: A Quick and Dirty Guide

http://everydayfeminism.com/2014/09/what-is-privilege/

University of San Francisco ‘Check Your Privilege’ Campaign

https://myusf.usfca.edu/student-life/intercultural-center/check-your-privilege

The Origins of “Privilege: An Interview with Peggy McIntosh

http://www.newyorker.com/books/page-turner/the-origins-of-privilege

A short comic gives the simplest, most perfect explanation of privilege I've ever seen.

http://www.upworthy.com/a-short-comic-gives-the-simplest-most-perfect-explanation-of-privilege-ive-ever-seen

What is Privilege?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hD5f8GuNuGQ&autoplay=1&app=desktop

What We Aren’t Talking About When We Talk About ‘White Privilege’

http://www.thefeministwire.com/2012/05/what-we-arent-talking-about-when-we-talk-about-white-privilege/

Louis CK on White Male Privilege: Explicit Language Warning! But Hilarious

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkJOcpapKGI

WHITE PRIVILEGE

Explaining Privilege to a Broke White Person

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/gina-crosleycorcoran/explaining-white-privilege-to-a-broke-white-person_b_5269255.html

20 Example of White Privilege that Protects White People from the Police

http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/06/white-privilege-and-police/

Privilege Lists:

White Privilege

http://nationalseedproject.org/white-privilege-unpacking-the-invisible-knapsack

Straight Privilege

http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/01/29-examples-of-heterosexual-privilege/#sthash.IEauTDXl.VBzMfVD9.dpbs

Male Privilege

http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/11/30-examples-of-male-privilege/

Christian Privilege

http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/05/list-of-examples-of-christian-privileg/

Upper-Class Privilege

http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/10/list-of-upperclass-privilege/

Cisgender Privilege

http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2011/11/list-of-cisgender-privileges/

Able Body Privilege

https://crippledscholar.wordpress.com/2016/06/22/the-flaws-in-literally-checking-your-privilege/

Thank you so much for reading this edition of Tarabytes! Whether this is your first time reading or you’ve been here for the last 6 months, I want to express my sincerest gratitude to you for taking the time to read this e-zine. Without you, I’d literally be writing to myself. Or just to Craig. He has to proof-read regardless 😃

Thank you!

Equity is a Prerequisite for Equality - Tarabytes 5th Edition

April 3, 2017

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Hello, Friends!

As seems to be the usual, I was crazy busy this past month. One of the best reasons for my busyness is that on the day that this edition of Tarabytes was *supposed* to be sent out, April 1st, 2017, my baby sister got married!

Congratulations Tiffany & Jimmy!

I decided the e-zine could wait a day so I could party with my family 😃 And because I waited, I can now share a photo from the day!

WEDDING PHOTO

Other events from March included:

* My husband’s birthday. We celebrated with a dinner date <3.

* Finalizing and delivering wedding invitations for Tiff’s wedding (Did you know I design event paper? Links below to check out my photo galleries and contact page!)

* New tradition of "Yoga Wednesdays" which includes yoga, friend time, healthy food & wine!

* My cousin’s 30th birthday party at New Smyrna Beach

* A bachelorette slumber party at my house to honor my sister, complete with sangria, dirty card games, and penis soap that needs to be stoked, vigorously, in order to lather.

* A Flogging Molly concert for Craig’s birthday present!

* Bought a new office chair that can fit both Zagg and me - This has been on my wishlist for a WHILE now!

* Read books about the Columbine tragedy, one about the events and aftermath, and one by Sue Klebold, the mother of one of the shooters (links below). The one by Sue Klebold wound up being oddly relevant to the topic of the e-zine this month (foreshadowing)…

For this edition of Tarabytes, I want to talk about equality, how I think we put too much focus on it, and what I think we should focus on instead. Surprised? Let me explain myself...

Equality implies that we all receive the same, or equal, of something that is shared (resources, opportunities, food…). But this doesn’t always make sense in practice. If we were to divide up a pie (I really like food analogies, go with it), it wouldn't make sense for a 3-day old baby to receive the same size piece of the pie as a full grown man. Besides the fact that babies shouldn’t have pie, it would not take the same amount of pie to fill both people to capacity. And maybe the dude doesn’t like pie or doesn’t even have an oven to cook one. Treating everyone equally ignores that everyone differs in their capacities, interests, resources, and experiences. In this case, not only is equality unhelpful, it could be downright unethical (who gives babies pie anyway?). In cases like this, and in most cases I would argue, focusing on creating equity is more immediately effective than pushing for equality.

We often hear equality and equity used interchangeably, but they are actually quite different. Definitions of Equity: fairness; impartiality; taking into account the needs of different people. Synonyms include justice, humanity, truth, rightness, rationality & honor. Equity is, clearly, my jam.

As Americans, we expect to be treated pretty much the same as every other American. We’re all equal now, right? We know this isn’t really true, though. We treat people differently for lots of reasons based on our, and their, experiences, resources, capacities, interests, ethnicities, religions, economic statuses, etc. Again, it wouldn’t make sense to treat everyone exactly the same, because we’re not all the same person. Problems arise though, when based on those reasons, certain people are denied access to basic necessities like education, economic opportunity, transportation, food, housing, justice, healthcare, and communications or even their constitutional rights, like freedom of speech and the right to vote. I think we can sometimes spend too much time trying to make everything "equal”, without thinking twice about whether or not "equal" is really the ideal solution. Creating daily equities puts us all closer to being on an even playing field, which is really the true intention of equality in the first place, right?Equity acknowledges the fact that human life has innate value, just by virtue of being part of humanity.

I’m not saying that equality isn’t a good thing or that it’s impossible to achieve, but I think it’s a long-term goal. The shorter term goal of equity would be for all of humanity to have the exact right amount of “pie” in order to live and thrive based on their specific needs. Only once everyone in society has reached that baseline of having all that they need to succeed to their fullest potential, can true equality be achieved.

“Equity is a prerequisite for Equality"

So what can we do to start creating daily equities? The very first step would be to

recognize, accept and respect that every person has inherent importance and worthiness. Then acknowledge that society has, and continues to, fail at doing this. Start paying attention to the inequities in your own life and around you. Starting and engaging in conversations with people about the differences between equality and equity is the next step. Interrupt patterns of inequity by pointing them out. If you are in a position of power, take steps to create equity where you can. These might seem like small things, but little actions can lead to huge changes as they add up. As I was writing this edition of the e-zine, I was reminded of a line I read in one of the Columbine books I just finished:

"In the aftermath of Dylan’s death, I entertained hundreds of fantasies about ways to atone for what Dylan had done. Finally, here it was. I didn’t have to trade my life in a terrorist attack to save a school bus filled with children. I could write a paragraph for a website, populate a spreadsheet, go around a ballroom putting programs on plates, pick a speaker up from the airport. The suicide loss community taught me that showing up in small and simple ways could save lives too”. Sue Klebold - A Mother’s Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy

"Showing up" for equity in small and simple ways on a daily basis is, I believe, the way to create true equality for future generations to enjoy.

Once again, thank you so much for reading this month’s edition of Tarabytes! It means the absolute freaking world to me that you would take the time out of your busy schedule each month to catch up with me. What do you think about equity vs equality? With equality being the mega-buzz word that it is right now, why do you think we don’t really talk much about equity? PLEASE EMAIL ME! Reply to this email with your thoughts about this edition, any other edition, or just anything you’d like to chat about!

Love,

Tara A.

Things I've Recommended!

April 2, 2017

This post is dedicated to all of the articles, books, songs, links, or anything else that I've mentioned or suggested in an edition of Tarabytes!

Edition #1: "People with great passion can make the impossible happen"

Edition #2: "Be who you needed when you were younger"

Article: Raising Girls with Healthy Self-Esteem by Juliann Garey

You Say ‘Bitch’ Like It’s A Bad Thing: Examining the Implications of the Notorious Word by Zoe Triska

Edition #3: "Empathy takes Nerve"

The Price of Shame TED Talk by Monica Lewinsky

Empathy may be "social glue" for humankind by Ian Hoffman

Edition #4: "Use compassion like glitter and COVER EVERYTHING"

Edition #5: "Equity is a prerequisite for Equality"

Use Compassion like Glitter and COVER EVERYTHING - Tarabytes e-zine 4th Edition

March 2, 2017

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Hello, Friend!

How is it March already?

February is always a weird month to me. It’s like I’m “officially” out of holiday mode, and it takes me a little while to get back to reality. Highlights from the month include: working on wedding invitations for my sister, Craig and I visiting the site of my big pink paper taco (links below), a couple lovely dinners with friends, and my husband and in-laws installing much-needed lights into my studio! Score! And I restarted going to a yoga class. I’ve only been once, but I’m already hooked again. I’ve also been doing lots of Instagramming. Well, more than usual at least. And I’m working on some plans for upping my game in that department. So if you’re not following me @TarableDesigns, you totes should be!

Last month, I talked about empathy. How it connects us to our humanity and helps us realize that everyone is doing the best they can, just like you. Empathy is a gateway to compassion. And in this edition of Tarabytes, I want to talk about just that, compassion.

Compassion is what happens when empathy meets suffering. It’s the desire to ease pain, discomfort, and injustice. Not only do we understand others, but we have the desire to end their suffering. That desire allows us to treat others how we want to be treated, making us much more effective in stressful, emotionally charged or triggering situations. Compassion moves us. It makes us care. When we care, our energy naturally moves toward the needs of those cares.

I also talked last month, about how I think empathy takes nerve (links below) because of how painful empathy can be. The world is full of pain. We are constantly faced with issues that bring on feelings of hopelessness, like poverty, climate change, mass shootings, racism, sexism, police brutality, etc, etc. etc. , not mention more personal issues, such as family illnesses, financial problems, mental health issues, and the stress of interpreting interpersonal relationships daily. Our natural tendency toward empathy can easily cause emotional burnout and overwhelm. It can often seem easier to ignore the pain or drown it out with things like work, social life, hobbies or even drugs & alcohol. I know I am guilty of this...But when we do this, the pain never truly goes away. If we can work through to the root of the pain, we can heal the problem. Compassion is part of that healing. The more we show compassion, to ourselves and to others, the more resilient we become to painful feelings, because we feel less alone. When we can practice compassion for that which we “hate”, those strong feelings soften. I’m not suggesting that we can fix all the problems of society through compassion alone, but viewing issues with compassionate eyes changes our perceptions and can make it easier create solutions.

Once you've healed your own pain, you can help support others do what you’ve done for yourself. When people feel cared for, they can pursue their own “wokeness” more confidently.Compassion is contagious. When someone is nice to us, we feel like being nice too. When others are compassionate to us, it makes us want to be compassionate to others. We know how good it feels, how much it means, how much it’s needed and we often want to pay it forward. Even people who just witness the compassionate act may be moved to act themselves.

Compassion is actually a lot like glitter...

I LOVE GLITTER. That might be obvious if you know me in person. I’m a little bit “known” for my love of glittery things. I glittered my studio floor (links below to pics of when it was first going in!) and I often get tagged on FB in glitter clothes and make-up posts because my friends know how much I love that stuff. Glitter is my power color.

In my opinion, there is no such thing as too much glitter. You can pretty much make anything tolerable at least, by covering it in glitter. When in doubt, I throw some glitter on that shit. Glitter makes everything better. Now replace “glitter” with “compassion”. Still works!

Even if you’re not a glitter lover (what the heck are you doing with your life?), the analogy still applies. Think about it. Glitter sticks to everything and passes easily from person to person. It catches your attention, especially when you’re not looking directly at it. It gets in the, ahem, “cracks”, and bugs you until you do something about it. And you can throw it at your enemies (links below. Totally passive-aggressive asshole move? Or delightful mail time surprise? You be the judge.)!

Since I’ve noticed this fun comparison, seeing glittery things has become way more meaningful. Every beautiful glittery thing I see has become a reminder to use compassion. And I’m starting to feel the same way about compassion that I feel about glitter…I want to COVER EVERYTHING!

“Use compassion like glitter and COVER EVERYTHING”

I really love that so many of my friends and family think of me when they see glittery things. But I’d also like them to think of me in those moments when they make the choice to be compassionate. I want to be known for spreading compassion the way I’m known for spreading glitter. It feels like a good opportunity for me to lead by example, especially since I now have so many reminders all around me ✨✨

And just like glitter, the more compassion you spread, the happier you will be! Because of the way our natural empathy connects us to the feelings of others, our happiness is linked to the happiness we create for others. You can’t avoid painful feelings altogether, but when painful feelings arise, compassion can turn that situation on its head, letting you see it from a new perspective. Whether is it for yourself or for someone who wronged you in some way, practicing compassion for small things, helps us be better equipped to practice it for big things.

I encourage you to practice sprinkling a little compassion on your next few interactions and notice the difference. I’m sure you won’t be surprised to find that compassion rubs off the same way glitter does.

So what do you think? Are you a glitter addict? Do you think glitter is the herpes of craft supplies? Or are you like Craig, who over the years has become completely oblivious to the tiny glitter bits in his beard at any given moment (ahh the risks/perks of being married to an artist!)? Are you down for spreading compassion like glitter? Reply to this email and let me know! I would so love to hear your thoughts, and they don’t all have to be glitter-related!

Thank you for reading this month’s edition of Tarabytes! If you missed any of the previous editions and want to catch up, or if you like what you've read here and want to check out my other work, you can do that at the links below.

Also, it is SUPER helpful to me if you share this email with a glitter lovin’ friend. Non-glitter lovers are welcome too, I guess

Thank you again!

Tara A.

On Tuesdays We Eat Tacos

February 21, 2017

Empathy Takes Nerve - Tarabytes E-Zine 3rd Edition!

February 1, 2017

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Hey, Friend!

Thank you so much for joining me for another edition of Tarabytes! You have no idea what it means to me that you invite me into your inbox each month. I’m only 3 months in and this e-zine has already started to feel like my digital diary. I’m sharing waaaay more than I even thought I would, but it feels good to share. It feels right. My husband (Hey Baby!) even mentioned how he feels like he is learning new things about me from reading along.

It’s not been a full month since you last heard from me (I was late releasing Edition #2, damn you holiday chaos), but I feel like so much has happened since we last connected.

A lot of my time this month has been spent trying to understand. Trying to understand me. Trying to understand the actions of others. Trying to understand what is going on in my country.

The past month has been stressful for me. Besides the obvious political tensions, I’ve spent time in several different doctor’s offices, working through health issues from the past that just seem to keep resurfacing. We’ve determined that a lot of my physical health problems are anxiety-related.

I mentioned last month that I’ve been seeing a therapist. What I didn’t mention, was that it took her all of an hour to diagnose me with anxiety and depression. I don’t want to go into that too much, yet at least, but coming to terms with that fact has been enlightening and humbling.

In dealing with my health, a lot of other stuff has sort of fallen by the wayside. Besides working on this e-zine, which is therapeutic in its own way, I’ve been taking some time away from work, to recuperate a bit. I wasn’t able to attend the Women’s March held near me, but I’ve been doing my best to show solidarity in other ways. I’ve been doing lots of reading. I’m trying to stay informed and just generally trying to digest as much info as possible.

One topic that keeps coming up over and over again for me, is empathy. I think a lack of empathy is one of societies’ greatest problems. It’s started to seem that at the root of every news story I’m hearing, people are failing to empathize with one another. It seems we’ve forgotten our humanity. Life is busy and stressful and distracting so it’s easy to tune each other out. But then we wonder why things are falling apart around us. We were made to empathize. Empathy is built right into our cells.

It turns out that we have what scientists call “mirror neurons”, that fire when we act and when we see someone else perform the same action (links below!). Basically, they “mirror” the behaviors of others, and can make us experience the behavior as if we were experiencing it ourselves. This is how we gain information to understand others’ emotions and create deeper connections. Feeling strong emotions and then recognizing similar emotions in others gives us a sense that we are all connected. For this reason, neurophysiologist Vittorio Gallese calls empathy “social glue”. We are literally built to recognize the humanity in each other!

Even though we all have an innate capacity for empathy, it’s something that can be grown and improved with practice. This requires the sometimes difficult task of creating real emotional connections with others, and the even more difficult task of getting in touch with our own emotions (scary!). Analyzing our own experiences informs the empathy we feel for others.

This was made obvious to me when I watched Monica Lewinsky’s TED Talk in early 2015 (links below). Just hearing her name brings up certain connotations. Tramp. Bimbo. Home-wrecker. To be fair, I was in middle school during the scandal, so I was not that familiar with many of the actual details and was heavily influenced by the media’s interpretation of the events. But I knew that Monica was “that woman”. She was a joke. In her talk, she spoke about the scandal from her perspective. A young, naive intern who fell in love with her boss and was then thrust into the media spotlight at just such a time in history that she was basically the first person to be widely “internet shamed”. When I first came across her talk, I was just a few years older than Monica was during the scandal. While listening, I could understand her feelings of being wrapped up in a whirlwind romance with an older man. I could relate to the feeling of loving someone so much you would do ridiculous things for them. I could relate to not having my shit together at 22. I felt like I might have acted similarly if it had been me in that situation. I thought about how I might feel if it was me being globally shamed. Would I have been able to come out the other side the way she did? I felt like I understood Monica Lewinsky in a whole new way. She’s not a joke. She’s strong as hell. All it took for me to realize this, was to recognize that she was a human being and might have actual feelings about some of the stuff (horrible, disgusting stuff) people have said about her. Mind-blowing, I know. It’s easier to feel empathy when we feel like “that could be me”. What I think we need to realize is that, on the most basic level, we are all the same. We all want and need the same things to survive. "That woman” could be any of us. I think the key to growing empathy is gaining new perspectives. If we’re willing to do that, we open ourselves up to the possibility of experiencing profound empathetic moments that can change us forever.

I also realize just how difficult empathy can be. Empathy takes nerve (pun intended!).

Connection requires vulnerability, and vulnerability is hard for most of us. It takes a lot of emotional energy. Feeling and recognizing emotions is something we often try to avoid in our society. But it’s a necessary part of empathy because before you can relate to someone else’s feelings, you need to recognize and understand your own. It’s brave to realize that your perspective alone is not enough and to consciously seek out new perspectives. I think it’s particularly brave when you’re seeking out the perspectives of those who you “disagree” with. It can take work to find common ground, but it is there, and once you find it, it’s possible for both sides to get a better understanding of the needs of the other. This can hopefully inspire solutions and move people to action.

This is something I’ve been trying to practice in the past few months. It’s very easy for me to get caught up in being angry about certain social issues and spiral into thinking the absolute worst of anyone who disagrees with me. I’ve been trying to catch myself in those moments and really try to put myself in their shoes. How might their particular circumstances inform how they see the issue? Sometimes it’s harder than others. Sometimes it doesn’t work at all #realtalk. I do keep trying, though.

So even though the impulse toward empathy is innate, empathy can definitely be boosted. If you’re interested in increasing your empathic abilities, here are some things to think about and try.

- Be curious about people. Talk to them. Read about their experiences. Especially people outside your usual groups. The more real people you can connect with, even if it’s just through hearing their stories, the more perspectives, or "sides of the story” you’ll see.

- Pay attention to your own feelings. When you are connecting with people, what emotions are you feeling? Our emotions are, in part, a reflection of what others are feeling. Being aware of our own emotions helps us empathize with others.

- Examine your biases. Think about ways in which preconceived notions or stereotypes might be affecting your outlook. Search for the commonalities between yourself and others,

Pay particular attention to the people you think you have the least in common with. You might have more in common than you think.

- Practice empathy toward yourself. We know how hard empathy can be, so practice it toward yourself as well as others.

This is something else I’ve been trying to remember. I mentioned above that wasn’t able to make it to the Women’s March in Orlando. Well, to be perfectly honest, even though I wanted desperately to be there, I just knew with the anxiety I’ve been working through lately, it would not be a good idea. And I’m disappointed. Like really disappointed. I’m trying to practice empathy for myself in those moments where I tell myself I’m weak for not having just pushed through the discomfort.

Well now that I’ve completely over-shared again, I should probably wrap this up.

My intention in sharing my thoughts on empathy is to encourage others to flex their empathy muscles. I think we all, every single one of us, could use a reminder. I also think it’s important to acknowledge that empathy is not easy, but that every time we make the effort we are one step closer to being a more unified society. Which is what all of us really want at the end of the day, right?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my ramblings! It means so much to me to know that someone cares about what I have to say. And I definitely care what you have to say! So please, please, please, if you feel moved by anything you've seen in this email, let me know! Part of that whole creating and nurturing connections thing, you know?

If you missed either of the last two editions of Tarabytes and want to catch up, you can do that at the links below.

If you like anything you’ve seen here and want to see more from me, check out my website! And if you really want to help a sister out, pretty please share this email with a friend! Preferably a friend who loves sparkles and hates injustice.

Thank you again and have a beautiful February!

Tara

http://www.eastbaytimes.com/2005/01/18/empathy-may-be-social-glue-for-humankind-2/

https://www.ted.com/talks/monica_lewinsky_the_price_of_shame

http://www.tarabledesigns.com/tarabytes/2016/12/1/d1xez16ynpbtgx6r1gj3fezhvpne6s

http://www.tarabledesigns.com/tarabytes/2017/1/9/tarabytes-e-zine-2nd-edition

Be Who You Needed - Tarabytes E-Zine 2nd Edition

January 10, 2017

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Happy 2017!

December has been a busy month (hence why you are receiving this on January 9th instead of the 1st)! Does everyone’s December get super chaotic, or is it just mine? Among the major events of the past month were the usual holiday festivities, family Christmas photos with the pup included, my very first therapy appointment (yay for fixing yourself!), creating a ceiling tile for a local restaurant chain (pics coming soon!), working on some new ideas around sharing my creative play-time, and the launch of a few new products in my shop (relevant links below!)

As many people probably have this past month, I’ve been thinking a lot about resolutions and goals for the upcoming year. The end of the year always gets me in the mood to make big plans, and with 2016 being what it was, I’ve been particularly eager to move on to bigger and better things. Then I came across an awesome quote on Franchesca Ramsey’s instagram that hit me right in the feels:

"Be who you needed when you were younger"

I've seen this quote before and liked it, but Franchesca’s beautiful caption is what really got me. She talked about how much 16 year old Franchesca could have used current Franchesca in her life as a role model, inspiring consciousness and self-esteem in her teen self. The thought completely resonated with me. Thinking about the person I am today, even the person I was a few years ago, and the person I hope to be going forward, I think I would make a decent role model for my younger self. But I also think I could be doing a better job. Goals for the year: established.

So who, exactly, is it that I needed when I was younger? Basically, some independent, ambitious, bad-ass, older sister-types, who took no shit.

I’ve felt a little conflicted about really opening up about this, because I don’t want to imply AT ALL that the role models I did have, were bad role models in any way! NOT THE CASE. I want to give tons of credit to the people in my life for all the ways they were positive role models for me. What follows are just some influences that I think I would have really benefited from when I was younger. They’re the little extra “edge” I could have used in feeling ok about myself early on, when I was most impacted by others' opinions of me.

THE BITCH

As many women my age would probably tell you, as little girls, we grew up being taught, intentionally and unintentionally, that to be a good little girl, meant to be "quiet and polite” (links below). These subtle and not-so-subtle messages have stayed with me throughout my life. I’ve noticed I often censor myself for fear of not being liked or being labeled bossy or a bitch, especially in the workplace. I often feel guilt about staying quiet when I don’t want to or know I shouldn’t.

I wish there had been a few bad-ass women in my life to show me that, in the immortal words of Tina Fey, "Bitches get stuff done.”

I wish I’d realized earlier that asserting myself and my needs is not bossy or bitchy, it’s taking responsibility for myself. No one’s going to do it for me, and there’s no reason I should stay quietly unhappy, just because speaking up (kindly, but firmly, of course) might tarnish the “sweet-as-pie” image someone has of me. I spent so many years scared of the word “bitch", before I realized that was kinda the point of it. Bitch is a word that has been used to demoralize women for 100’s of years, among other words (links below). I still have a lot of work to do in this area, but as I’m learning more and more, these words and antiquated ideas about what it means to be a girl are losing their power. I used to try to stay small and quiet, I didn’t want to be noticed, because I thought that’s what the world wanted from me. I’m over that, and am realizing now that I’m worth noticing. And now I’m excited when someone thinks I’m a bitch, because at the very least it means I made an impression!

I also think if I’d had more experience standing up for myself and more room to express how injustice felt when I experienced it, I’d have had an easier time seeing and empathizing with the injustice going on around me. I had a “life isn’t fair, get used to it” perspective, and no real grasp on the concept that there was anything to be done about changing it. I eventually came to realize that injustice is not something that one can just “get used to” nor should they have to, myself included. Injustice is also not something that will ever get better by being complacent about it. Talking about injustice when you see it is the very first step to reversing it. I so wish I'd had some kick-ass sisters to show me that when things are not fair, “getting used to it” isn’t the only option. You can speak up. It doesn’t make you bitchy or bossy or needy or whiny. It makes you a human.

THE BOSS LADY

Most of the people in my family and life growing up, had traditional jobs. Monday-Friday, 8-5 office jobs or something where they worked for a boss. There’s obviously absolutely nothing wrong with a job like this, but it became clear to me pretty quickly when I joined the workforce, that this style of working just doesn’t work for me. But I didn’t know I had any other options! Until college, the concept of starting a business wasn’t even on my radar. I guess I knew it was a possibility that some super lucky people got to take advantage of, but I could never do it. The plan was always: High school. College. Good Paying Job.

Check. Check. Check. Now what?

I wasted a lot of time thinking that the job I was in was my best option, my only option, even though the job itself didn’t make me happy and I felt uncomfortable and misunderstood in the traditional work environment. I don’t regret my experiences in the traditional job market, I learned tons and met lots of great people, but I do regret thinking that something was wrong with me, when in fact, I just thrive in a different kind of work environment than many people!

I wish I’d been able to see, up close, ambitious entrepreneurs hustle it out! I think seeing alternative job options would have been valuable for me.

I’d have loved to see the ups and downs of entrepreneurship on a personal level. I think it would have inspired and scared me!

THE THERAPIST

One of the biggest things I needed when I was younger was help figuring myself out. I wish there had been someone I really trusted, that could listen to my inner-most thoughts and help me to decipher them. In my family, talking about our feelings is something we did not really do. It was no one’s fault really, I was well adjusted enough to get through daily life, so nothing to really talk about, right? Well, not really, but it was a reasonable enough thought. Looking back, I really think I would have benefited from seeing a therapist. I think I may have been better prepared to handle some big life situations with a little more grace. I wasn’t even really aware of therapy as a child and by the time I was, the stigma had already been well established. I wish there had been a cool role model in my life who went to therapy and who modeled that growing and changing yourself for the better, is possible.

Up until the last the few years or so, therapy wasn’t something I was open to whatsoever, and I really regret that mindset. But it’s never too late! I now know that tons of people go to or have gone to therapy, and am realizing a huge portion of the people I know go or have gone. But it still feels scary to talk about it. This is one of the reasons I mentioned my first therapy appointment in the introduction of this email. I feel a little weird about it, so that means other people probably do too. What better reason then, to just go ahead and mention it. Hopefully it helps someone else feel less weird about it. In fact, if you’ve been putting it off, I hope this shoutout encourages you to go ahead and make that appointment. It’s really not so scary, and it’s good to feel like you’re doing something to make yourself feel better. Check out the links below if you need help finding someone in your area.

THE MENTOR

I feel like I wasted a lot of time in my late teen and early adult years because I lacked any real vision for my life. And by the time I figured out that I even needed a “vision” I felt so far behind! I could have used an advisor, someone that noticed my interests and abilities and encouraged me to pursue them. I didn't find planning and goal setting until later in life, but when I did, it changed everything. It was what I needed to organize my dreams into the "vision" for my life and work toward making it a reality.

I think having a mentor to help organize my mind, help me set goals and keep me accountable would have been extremely helpful, especially at the beginning of college, when I genuinely had zero idea about what I wanted to do with my life. Heck, I still think I could use a mentor! Especially in my business, I think having someone experienced to bounce ideas off of or to just talk things out with would be incredibly helpful! Mentorship, as both mentee and mentor, is something I intend on looking into more in 2017.

VISION FOR 2017 AND BEYOND

In the spirit of creating a vision for my life, here is my vision for 2017 and beyond:

I want to keep talking about my feelings, not that I could really stop at this point. Even if I tried, they’d just leak out through my face.
I want to keep talking about talking about my feelings. I obviously won’t share anything too personal (probably) but I want to keep the topic of therapy open and easy, because I think it should be.
I want to model the type of person who stands against all types of injustice. I want to be the kind of person who stands up for myself and for others. This is a hard one for me. The fear is strong.
I want to keep on keeping on being a boss lady and to share my journey with my followers and those in my life.
I want to be who I needed when I was younger. If I can be that person for myself, I can maybe be that person for someone else who needs her.

Thank you for taking the time to read this edition of Tarabytes! This one feels a bit like an overshare, but that’s probably just going to be the way it is, I think.

Do you have anything to share with me? If so, please reply to this email. I read and respond to all messages personally and would love to hear from you!

Also, I mentioned in the introduction that last month I launched a collection of shirts and products to go along with each new edition of Tarabytes! Links below to the designs from this month and last month! Please check them out and let me know what you think! You even have the chance to buy the original paper artwork used to create this e-zine, if that's your kind of thing.

Thank you again and have a wonderful January!

Christmas Photos:

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10158168070185352.1073741836.536055351&type=1&l=58338f4cf8

Scrapbooking/Insta:

https://www.instagram.com/p/BOLGCTkgkY4/?taken-by=tarabledesigns&hl=en

New Products!

http://www.tarabledesigns.com/shop/

Franchesca:

https://www.instagram.com/chescaleigh/?hl=en

Quiet Girls:

https://childmind.org/article/raising-girls-with-healthy-self-esteem/

Bitch:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/zoe-triska/post_4332_b_2526243.html

Therapy:

http://www.goodtherapy.org/

People with Great Passion - Tarabytes E-Zine 1st Edition!

December 1, 2016

Hey!

So it’s been exactly two months since the launch of the new Tarable Designs website! Did you check it out yet? If so, THANK YOU SO MUCH! If not, you can do that at the WEBSITE link below, if you’re interested.

I've gotten some really good feedback, and sooo appreciate those that took the time to visit the site and tell me what they think. I would definitely appreciate more feedback, so if you have anything to say, reply to this email and let me know!

Since the launch of the site, lots has happened. Some good, some bad, but it’s definitely been a lot to deal with. Finishing up a huge project that had been taking up a lot of my time (the website), and dealing with some significant emotions related to all that’s been going on in my life and globally, left me feeling like “what now?"

Not only did I need to figure out what the next steps in my business should be, but like many people right now, with all that is going on in the world, I needed to figure out how I could do something, ANYTHING, to fight back.

That’s were you come in, friend. I would like to officially announce the launch of Tarabytes, Tarable Designs’ new monthly e-zine!

This is obviously just a tiny step, and I still don’t know exactly what I’m doing, but I want this e-zine to be a way for me to try to figure it out. Basically, the idea is to share small “bytes” (haha, get it?) of what I’m passionate about, including but not limited to:

Unicorns

Tacos

Women’s Empowerment

Glitter & Sparkles

Social Justice

Paper

Puns

My feelings

Sharks

Stuff I’m doing/working on right now - mostly to brag

& French Fries

If you’re familiar with traditional ‘zines, you’ll know that they’re usually DIY, self published, mini books about pretty much anything the author is interested in. They’re usually put together in a crafty, cut-n-paste kind of way, which is so my thing! Collaging, scrapbooking and anything where I get to play with paper and sequins is right up my alley, so I wanted to give this monthly email a bit of that feeling. The ‘zine concept fits the bill, plus I love the juxtaposition of digital and physical mediums. I think the name, Tarabytes, plays into that juxtaposition in a fun way as well!

My hope is that by sharing about things that I care about, I can connect with other people who care, and maybe get some new people to start caring too.

Because the whole purpose of these emails is to share what I'm passionate about, I wanted the artwork for this issue to center around passion. I googled to get some quick inspiration before jumping in, and I came upon this quote, which is exactly what I needed to hear:

“People with great passion can make the impossible happen” - Random Internet Quote

This is so reassuring to me! There are so many things once thought “impossible” that we now take for granted. Nothing is impossible. Things that feel impossible CAN be accomplished when passionate people put their talents toward them. This gives me hope for the future and motivates me to put all of my talents toward things that really matter. This e-zine is the first step in contributing my talents toward things that feel impossible. And also towards some stuff that I just really like. Balance.

If any of this sounds like your thing, please sign up at the SUBSCRIBE link below! You’ll get the new issue of Tarabytes on the first of every month, guaranteeing you a monthly message of inspiration relevant to probably only me (it’s not really only me though, right?!), a look at the contents of my head from the month before and adorable French bull dog pictures. You should do it!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read the very first issue of Tarabytes! Now I really want to hear from you. I want to hear about the stuff you are passionate about too! So if I said anything here that struck a chord and you feel like having a chat, reply to this email and let me know!

With Love,

Tara A.

http://eepurl.com/0c-sj

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